I Don’t Like Some People

the other day i took a nice lunch with a co worker and went downtown to go shoe shopping.  i highly recommend this as a lunch time activity.  getting out during lunch is one of the few things that makes you human!  so we went downtown.  and i tried on all the display models because they always put my size out… and lo and behold i went to macy’s and they had — the pirate’s peg leg clogs!! oh my gosh.. i had seen these about a month earlier but talked myself out of them.. but then when i saw them again i knew i had to get them… i mean — it wasn’t an impulse by at that point – it was well thought out — and practically a need.  and let me say i look AWESOME in these shoes.  and i have gotten beaucoup comments!! positive ones — i think.

i’ve been told they’re ghetto fabulous.. and frankly that is the honest truth of the matter.  they have the stiletto heel  ( that’s the peg leg).. and they have gaudy gold buckles with rhinestones (that’s the pirate’s booty).  i will post a picture here so that you know how completely great these things are.. of course i can barely walk in them, but they’re made to be seen not walked in.. let’s just say i won’t be winning any races down the hall in them… and there is probably a high chance that i fall and bite it… but its totally worth it.  i keep them in my drawer at work so that if i’m ever feeling down i can open the drawer, put them on and feel fancy.  lets just say, it really brightens my day.

every summer we get invited to a so called pig roast at a friend of bub’s house.  but after last summer i am going to have to rethink the eating of that meat.

for instance – i took bio lab in high school and we had to dissect several things including cow’s heart, cow’s eyeball, and you guessed it the fetal pig.

now ever since then the smell of that fetal pig has lived in my scent memory like a stench that cannot be washed away.  let’s just say that the smell of this pig being so called – roasted over this open fire was QUESTIONABLE.  what would make the pig that i was supposed to eat smell like a formaldehyde soaked piglet from high school that i was forced to decapitate as a child?  do you think it was kept cold enough before he cooked it?  was it sort of rotting before he cooked it?  where does one buy one of these pigs for roasting.. did he have a big enough cooler to hold it?

well either way i didn’t die.. i only ate one bite.. but let me tell you that pork was off.  i will not be going there again for boar.

i like it when plants give me stuff.  i always wonder, why do people grow plants that don’t do anything.  just being green isn’t a reason enough to be allowed/or encouraged to live.  like those spider plants.  they don’t flower, they just get big and reproduce, and look kind of sick and unwieldy in the process.  but if the plant can give me back something. aye, that’s worth growing.  plus its rewarding to eat the fruits of your own labor.  you know, free stuff always tastes better than something you had to pay for.

one time i sniffed in bub’s ear and it smelled like death.  ever since, i’ve demanded that he rinse his ears with the baby snot bulb.  nuff said.

ok so now i have seen it first hand.  i was out at a friends house for dinner, and after the meal was over, one of the lady guests turned to my single friend and said “so, are you seeing anyone now?”  the ambient noise level in the room dropped at least 40dB and i swear i heard the sounds of crickets chirping.  all eyes turned to her.  she looked poised and calm but i could have bet i saw for just a small fleeting moment, a deer in the headlights look.. ooh that was an awkward one.  let’s not forget that a mere 10 minutes earlier this same woman had tried to give an upbeat oration about how she got married at 31 after people had called her a brazilian old maid for 6 years.  also awkward, since she said it to 2 single ladies across from her that are getting close to 30.  do people really act like this in real life?  does this really happen?  i thought it was just urban myth.  i tried to help but not very well, one girl said — well people are getting married later these days so its okay.  i said — well its better to be single than to be married to crazy! (i was going to add …or better than to be married to “doesn’t have a job”, but i held my tongue).  props to you single gals out there, may i never make you uncomfortable in social settings again!

so today marks the day that bub and i went to the courthouse and signed the wedding registry book.  so yeah, another year passed and what to show for it?  i tell people that bub and i are basically just still married out of spite.  when people first found out that i had married bub they were like — are you pregnant?  and i’m like no.  and then they’re like why?  like i needed the hassle of a huge wedding and all the people looking at me, and all the primping.  i feel like some people are just waiting for this marriage to disintegrate.  like they want to hear that bub is an abuser with a ketamine addiction and a penchant for cheap women.  ha i laugh when i write that sentence.  anyway but really.  what do i have to show for it?  probably just this wrinkle and a hair that is gray at the bottom and brown at the top, no seriously that happens!  maybe next year bub will get a job.

i used to like to scare myself a little bit.  back in the day when i was a single lady i like to save on electricity by unplugging or turning off every power strip or electrical appliance in the apartment.  i lived in this apartment complex on the 8th floor and it was surrounded close enough by the other units that i could usually keep the air conditioning or heat off as well.  so there i would sit on some evenings in the pitch dark trying to save a buck.  some nights i would be unable to sleep so i’d sit in the dark with nothing but the dim blue flickering light of the tv to light the room.  inevitably the only show that would be on would be some sort of faux news show which was of course about a pretty young white woman who had everything going for her, but somehow wound up dead at the hands of a (fill in the blank here) stalker, ex-lover, serial killer.  so there i would sit, freaked out and alone in the dark.  sometimes i would hear a noise outside and i’d think — what was that!!?